Wednesday, January 03, 2007

An Awakening . . .

Well, here it is, 3:30 in the morning and I find myself awake and at the computer. I have experienced an array of emotions these last few days while being here in Texas on vacation. I think that having help with the children minus the stresses of home has given me the opportunity to ponder my life a little bit more than I usually have time to do.

A couple of nights ago, I had a rather emotional experience. I was holding little Owen in my arms and I was overcome with joy and love for him. I look at his tiny, soft hands every day and wonder why he has to grow so quickly. I feel this way about Asher and Myles as well. I am so sentimental about life that sometimes I do wish that I could capture the moments and preserve them in a jar . . . just like the title of my blog would suggest.

My biggest sorrow in life is that time will not stop or slow down. I cannot keep my babies small forever. I think that being at home with my mother and father has made this even more of a reality as there are images of my siblings and me in our childhood days all over the house. Why do we have to grow?

As I was searching for some compromise or understanding, I had a dream. It was about my brother Adam. In my dream, I was going to get to see Adam - who I haven't seen for a while now. However, I was overcome with despair and was actually crying in my sleep because I realized that I would not be able to hold onto the moment of our reunion. My sorrow was also over the lost moments of our childhood, the fact that we could never go back to that point in our lives again. The pain was so intense that I willed myself to wake up.

The next day, I had another dream. This time, I had a simple message come to me. I realized that I needed to savor each and every day. I needed to live each day to the fullest because it was the last time that today . . . this minute . . . this moment, would ever be. I know that I am not the first person to ever realize this. I guess that I just needed to come to this understanding on my own.

I guess that it is not a coincidence that these epiphanies come around the beginning of the new year either. So, my goal is to live this year more fully. I want to enjoy my children each day. I do not want any moment to pass where they do not realize how much I love and adore them. And, even though motherhood is exhausting, I want to try my hardest to savor this time while it is happening to me. I don't want to take my family for granted.

Having said this, I am also grateful for the moving pace of time, for the healing and forgiveness that it allows. For the chances to start over again and give it another try. So, all in all, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am so grateful for my life. I am so grateful for my babies and my husband. I am so grateful for the memories that I am blessed to have. I am so grateful . . .

7 comments:

Sandy said...

What a great post. You are so right. we have to savor every single moment, but that's hard to do sometimes, huh? Take lots and lots of pictures so you can look back and remember too.
Happy New YEar!

Evey said...

I am just getting all caught up on my blogs. Yours is next in line but I just wanted to leave u a happy new year wish before i settle in to read your lasts few posts:)

Thank you so much for the christmas cd, we love it.

Tee said...

That's weird Zoe b/c I have been going through all these crazy thoughts and emotions for about a month now. All of them - the wishing my babies small again, the wanting time to stand still, the wanting to go back in time to childhood, the sadness at knowing I can't do any of those things, the realization that I have to savor every.single.moment.

smart mama said...

great post- christmas with my family- lets me slow down and think- and always reminds me of those important things

Taylor said...

new pictures are up now :)

Miranda said...

What a beautiful post. I have the same feelings sometimes...

Lei said...

thank you so much for explaining my recent nostalgia! i have been feeling the ame way - thinking so much about my chidlhood and watching old videos, mourning the loss of time... i wasn't sure where it was comignf rom, but it probably has a lot to do with self introspection at the turn of the eyar and having just spent the holidays with family/reminiscing.

sorry about the confusion with my family blog... i have 2 now!