Monday, June 18, 2007

Venting . . . again

**Warning- if you are looking for an uplifting/happy read . . . this is not it***

Unless you have raised an autistic child, you can have NO IDEA what a family dealing with autism is going through. At the risk of sounding narrow minded, I believe this to be a fact. Unless you know about the constant, daily, hourly, and sometimes by the minute struggles with just pushing the day forward - please do not tell me that I need to be:

A) consistent
B) better at disciplining
C) patient
D) more firm
E) etc. etc.

I am having a very emotional day today so you will have to bear with me as I rant on about how I am the only person in the world who understands my woes. No - I am not trying to have a pity party but - I do think that it is okay to feel self pity for a moment. So, this is my moment.

I have just had it with Asher. I have had it with church and the struggle to get him there, to get him to like it, to get him to behave in class. I have had it with his Sunday school teacher who (after teaching Asher for months) all of the sudden has/had an autistic daughter (whom she never mentioned to me before) that grew out of it . . . like Asher will, apparently around the age of 9 if I am "consistent" in my discipline.


Okay. I know that is not very nice to say but I have really had it. Really.

I am tired of the constant disappointment that I face when I try to introduce my children to new things - like new experiences or rewards. For example, something as simple as treating them to eating lunch at a snack bar somewhere as per Asher's request. Okay, we can slow down to enjoy something out of the ordinary. Unfortunately, it only takes seconds for Asher to start arguing with me about what he doesn't want to eat for lunch (because Asher has a diet of about only 5 foods!).

He starts throwing a tantrum while Myles, in the background, also gets upset about being strapped into the stroller. He too starts screaming. I get the stares. I feel like a terrible mother. And, I sit there silently thinking in my head that I must really be a bad mother. Why can't I control my kids? Why can't they just be grateful, be happy, behave?

This is hard for me. Really hard. I am so tired. I wish that just one day could go by where I ask Asher to do something and there is no complaining/tantrums/mouthing off. I just want one day where my boys will actually eat, where I can feel adequate as a mother. I just want them to be happy. I just want them to be happy.

Okay. So there you have it. I am having a good cry right now. I know that it seems strange that I am venting on my blog. I have good friends here in the "real" world but, I don't really feel like I can vent to them. I don't want them to feel burdened or obligated or uncomfortable. I don't want to seem like a downer. Out here in cyberspace, it seems a little bit easier to vent because we are not neighbors. Does that make sense?

I will probably be feeling better by tomorrow but for today, I just had to vent. Thanks for letting me get it out.


Anonymous said...

I love you and think you are a GREAT mom!!

Your Mom

kirsten said...

oh, zoe.

i know. i don't know YOU and ASHER, but i KNOW. it's tough. and sometimes it sucks. and people are ignorant and should shut up.

i'm sorry you're having a difficult day. tomorrow will be better.

Brenda said...

I am so sorry that things just seem so hard right now. I don't have a child with Autisim but I have friends who do have and I see just how tough it is on a daily basis. My little guy is enough of a handful and he is not Autistic so I can only imagin what your guy must be like.
And I know how it is venting to the Blog world being easier sometimes...than your neighbors. We are here for you, and you are right....tomorrow will be better, it has too.

beki said...

Oh Zoe, I'm so sorry that you're having a tough time. Good for you for getting it out, often times just expressing my feelings makes me feel better. Big hugs to you!

gloria said...

What are blog for if not to rant in it once in a while? =) It's alright, I rant a lot too. I'm sorry you had a rough day. I hope tomorrow will be better for you. You have endured and still consider them "handsome sons", autism or not. So you are a great mother!


Shionge said...

Hiya Zoe...sorry I am late here to share your tough challenges dealing with Asher.

You have every right to vent and I wish I could there with you. We hear you and if you ever need to pour out whatever is within you....I am here :)

smart mama said...

I am sorry - i can't even imagine keeping up with all that- it has to be exhausting- motherhood is but then when you throw in extra variables- that is a lot- hang in there

Courtney said...

Hugs to you. I'm really sorry for your struggles. Being a mother is by far the hardest job I've ever had. Don't worry if others make it look easy, it is not easy for them either. From your hard work will come good things. Your children will know you cared.

Lei said...

Oh Zoe - I am so sad that I missed this. But I love you and I think there are a million and one reasons why you were chosen to be his mother. You are the woman for the job. Let me tell you. one of the thigns I admire most about your mothering is your confidence. And your desire to be your chidl's best advocate is so inspiring. You are awesome!!!