Friday, July 07, 2006

I just need to vent!

I have had a rough day. I must first say that I am probably way over emotional-given the fact that I have 6 weeks left of pregnancy and raging hormones to boot! But, I just need to vent a little.

So, Myles woke up from his nap today crying. I went to go get him and comfort him and the crying got worse. It was like he was a baby again, sobbing in my arms. I was frustrated because I kept trying to talk to him and see what the problem was. The only thing is that Myles doesn't talk yet. Yes, he is 2. However, the only words that he says are "Uh-oh" and occasionally "bubbles". Really. I know that everyone out there has a story about so and so's nephew who was quiet until he was 3 and then one day just started talking. We have heard it all before. See, we went through this exact same thing with Asher.

When Asher was 2 I got him into early intervention. Little did we know that what looked like delayed speech, picking eating, and extreme compulsiveness would turn out to be Autism. Four years later, Asher has come a long way. He does talk now- though he has a speech impediment. Speech therapy is just part of our lives. As for the picky eating, it is a battle. There are some days where all he will eat are Goldfish, despite my nagging and with holding and punishing. He is very normal in other ways but, being as though I have never experienced this before, I don't know what is "normal" and what is "autism".

Going back to Myles, he is different from Asher. I keep telling myself that. I am going the medical route with Myles to see if perhaps something is wrong with his ears. They did find fluid behind one ear and put him on antibiotics for a month straight. Of course, that took care of it. Yeah, but why is he still not talking. We have an appointment with the Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctor on Monday. There will also be an audiologist there. I guess that I am still hopeful that something is up with his hearing.

My point is this, as it just hit me again today- I cannot keep ignoring that Myles needs the same intervention that Asher had. If I keep ignoring it, the more frustrated and helpless he will feel as he gets older and is still not able to communicate with us. (Yes, we teach him sign language too with no luck.)

I pulled out Asher's old records and progress reports. It was a lot of work- a lot of tiring hours of drills and therapy. I know that I can do this again but, I just needed to stop and cry about it for a minute. Why can't I just have a child that "works"? Why can't I have a child who does talk at the age appropriate stage, who does eat what I give him, who does progress at the "normal" pace?

I love my boys more than anything. I know that Heavenly Father sent them to me for a reason. I know that things could be a lot worse. I am not really trying to have a pity party, I just feel like crying about it for now. Life will go on. My boys will continue to grow and be healthy. I am so blessed to have them and I would not trade them for the world. I just needed to vent about it. That's all.


Nettie said...

Oh, Zoe! I am so sorry this may be happening again. I will pray that it turns out he is just a late talker and nothing more. It sounds like it is time to get him tested, though. Then you can worry about it less because either there is nothing to worry about, or you can start on the path of accepting and doing. :(


shellyC said...

That is what a blog is for...Venting and Crying.

And we at the other end listen (read) and send you cyber Hugs and Thoughts!!

That last 6 weeks of pregnancy is tough and probably hot where you are too.....I am feeling for you.

Stephanie said...

Oh,Zoe! I can't even imagine how frustrating this is to you. You have every right to be angry and upset and emotional. You and Asher and Myles are in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with Nettie, waiting has got to be the hardest part. I hope knowing will help.

So sorry that you have to go through all of this again. You don't deserve this.


kate said...

oh how frustrating for you. and sad. and hard to cope with.

the hardship is an opportunity for growth--for all of you. that may not be comforting, but it helps me sometimes. after the sobbing, that is. . .

Anonymous said...

It just breaks a mother's heart to find out something is wrong with out little ones. I hope everything turns out and he starts talking soon. There are lots of programs to help, so don't feel overwhelmed and alone! I hope things turn out okay!

Cmommy said...

Zoe, I found you on Nettie's comments. {hugs}! You are an awesome mama~~sometimes life feels like more than we can bear, but God is there to catch us and hold us and comfort us in those times.

I'll be back :-)C

Anonymous said...

Hi Zoe ~ I'm a friend of Leslie G's. She just emailed me with your posting. What you are going through is not unlike my story. My sister and I both have sons who were diagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum of Disorders when they were 18 months, one with Autism and one with PDD-NOS. Therapy followed, and everything that that entails...countless hours, years of hard work for the child, you, your husband, therapists...tears, frustration, FEAR, anger, yes, sometimes self-pity, expense, stress, success and sometimes not enough. My son got early intervention (ABA therapy)at PCDI in NJ for a while and is now testing "neurotypically." NBC did a series on Autism this past year and my son was featured as one of the stories. I would be happy to talk with you about my experience as well as my sister's, and help you in any way I can. I have a 14 mo. old girl now whom I'm watching very closely. If you'd like to talk you can reach me at If you'd prefer to talk on the phone just email me with your number. I know what you're going through and my prayers are with you. Stacey